Right Up My Ali

Spring is almost here!!!  To celebrate, please  enjoy this amazing rendition of Phoenix’s Lisztomania by PS22.  It made my day and will hopefully make yours too.

Ok so usually I have a rule that I must love something for at least three weeks before I buy it.  Problem is, I didn’t implement this rule until the end of my 3 years of living in Manhattan…WOOPS! You live and you learn right?!  Well it is much easier to stay away from shopping in Baltimore but as I experienced on the streets of New York, friends and strangers alike are walking advertisements for clothes, jewelry and accessories.

That being said, I am not a bag person.  I have a few nice bags but they are treated like L.L. Bean back packs I used in middle school.  Scuffed, misshaped and misused I do not drop serious coin on my bags.  BUT recently I’ve noticed girls about town carrying MZ Wallace bags that are just my style.  Nylon with leather trim, they are soft yet durable and look adorbs to boot.

My favorite is the Olivia in Navy.  The price point isn’t bad and well its Navy and that is one of my staples for spring.

If you’re not an online shopper and want to see what it looks like dangling from your shoulder you can also get them at Sassanova in Harbor East.  Be sure to check out their adorable headbands.  I never leave without buying or at least thinking about buying something!

The recent buzz in Baltimore is how hard it is to date in a small town.  Baltimore Magazine calls it a “Chinese fire drill” which to me doesn’t quite make sense.  Unless they’re referring to when a bunch of girls share a cab and some go to Mother’s and some go to Mad River.  A coworker blogged about making yourself date worthy which also doesn’t quite make sense to me.  I understand that you want to make yourself appealing to the opposite sex, like make sure you shower and put on some clean clothes, but really you want to make sure that you’re making yourself appealing to the right person.  Like how long can you put on an act?  Two dates? Three dates max?  Sooner or later the real you is going to come out, whether you’re boring as hell or you have really bad morning breath.

Having only lived here for a year I can attest that dating is quite interesting.  It’s no coincidence that the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” was filmed here.  If you try and date someone, you’re going to meet at least one of their exes “by accident” and chances are the girl glaring at you from across Portside actually slept with the guy that’s buying you a drink.  If you decide to date someone seriously you better watch out because everyone and their mother is going to want to tell you about their past.  Where I come from, you find this out on your own!  Stay away from Facebook and G Chat to get the dirty dets and let the person show you themselves who they are.

We’re in our upper 20’s folks let’s be real!  I’m NO dating expert that is for sure but I’m pretty positive that there is someone out there for everyone and you don’t have to go looking for them, they’ll find you.

Lunch Club is back after a snow hiatus.

Somehow the topic of porn was the first thing we discussed today.

• Erin turns red immediately and looks like she wants to crawl under the table
• I say the only porn I’ve seen is Nip/Tuck on FX
• None of us can really contribute to the conversation so we change the subject
• T says I need to start watching Amazing Race
• I tell her I don’t really like reality TV which is a huge lie and she reminds me that I blog about Bachelor
• We all agree that although reality TV is really trashy and bad, when we were  younger, the trash of choice was Jenny Jones, Ricki Lake, and Jerry Springer
• Mike does his version of when guys would find out they weren’t the father on paternity test episodes “You don’t KNOW me, I ‘aint the daddy, I take care of mah baby”
• T does the little dance that they do
• I’m surprised Mike is old enough to have seen it and I’m pretty impressed that he can do the accent
• When we get back to our desks T sends out this youtube video

With Valentine’s Day creeping up, I thought it appropriate to try a dance class at the gym called “Sizzle”.  My due diligence included asking the woman at the front desk if it was cool (I should have known not to listen to her because she clearly doesn’t work out) and having my friend Erin ask the girl that looked like she was waiting for the class.  The red flag should have been when the girl told us that it was “really bizarre, the teacher is insane and it’s not that great of a work out but you should definitely try it!”

The instructor was indeed out of her mind, and we’re pretty sure she was a professional “dancer”.  We should have known what this class was all about when we were instructed to bring in a chair and a pole.

She started the class off by telling us to “unleash our inner sexy”.  I have never felt so un-sexy in my life.  I feel sexier after 45 minutes on the tread mill.   I feel sexier when I’m flossing.

Anyhow, it was an hour of this woman demanding that we “put it in his face”, “put your feet on the wall” or telling us that “I’ve had a foursome” and “feel the orgasm!” and this was all before she took her shirt off.  To say Erin and I looked like fish out of water is an understatement.  Whenever I would take my eyes off the instructor to get a glimpse of myself in the mirror I would shudder.  I would often look to Erin for reassurance just to see the same disgusted/confused look on her face.

We ended up leaving early but I couldn’t help but try out my new moves for my roommates.  Jenn told me that if I was going to try and be “sexy” I would have to stop biting my lip like I was struggling to open a jar or something.  The “feet on the wall” trick is really impractical and should  never be tried outside of a cardio-strip class and again…it is NOT sexy.

My advice this Valentine’s Day, since I’m such an expert is to “unleash your inner sexy” and make your man chicken parm, open a bottle of red, and NOT try anything out of the ordinary…especially if it involves growling.

It’s Friday at 4:30p.m.  You’ve been ready to leave the office for about three hours now but obviously the man is getting you down.  I should have advised you all to go out and purchase the February 1st issue of Us Weekly with the “Kardashians Then and Now!” on the cover.  It is completely worth $3.99 and less than a grande latte!  I’m not gonna sit here and make fun of the obviously unfortunate looking K-hole.   It is just too easy and darn right mean.  Please make sure you take a good look at her though.  There are two people in the Kardash xmas pic that are strangers to me which makes me uneasy, and who played Santa?  Also, I love that Brody had a butt cut because what “cool” preteen didn’t in 1997?

Superlatives:

Most Improved: K-hole (obvious but very true)

Least changed: Kim (sister is lookin’ GOOD)

Most likely to be cast in the remake of Willow: Kourtney

Best Butt Cut: TIE!  Rob and Brody

Most Athletic: Bruce

JUST FOR LAUGHS!!!! TGIF

Dear Lil J,

You’re 15  years old and you have a BAD ATTITUDE.  Miley might have sold out, but she also does not talk like a sailor.  You need your mouth washed out with soap.

“To be honest, I don’t fucking care [about being a role model]. I didn’t get into this to be a role model. So I’m sorry if I’m influencing your kids in a way that you don’t like, but I can’t be responsible for their actions. I don’t care. … Honestly, if I’d have ended up as Hannah Montana, I don’t know if the show would have gone as well. I probably would have told them all to go fuck themselves by the time I hit 11. And I don’t know how that would have gone down. It’s great for Miley, but I really like where I am right now and I feel really fortunate to be able to really be myself.” —Taylor Momsen

Read more: Taylor Momsen Is Not a Role Model — Vulture http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2010/01/taylor_momsen_is_not_a_role_mo.html#ixzz0dewfJrKj

In lieu of her nastiness in the press I’ve decided to come up with my top 5 ways the writers can get rid of Jenny Humphrey.

1.  Boarding School in CT after getting arrested with the chauncy speed dealer

2.  Lil J. goes on a bender after trying out the goods she’s pushing and doesn’t sleep for two weeks (her eye make up is everywhere).  Rufus and Lily have no choice but to drag her to the same hospital Eric went to when he attempted suicide.  Oh the irony!

3.  She gets hit by the cross town bus and they don’t even use up an minutes of the precious episode with a funeral.

4.  She just disappears inexplicably like the mom on the Fresh Prince and she’s replaced with Miley Cyrus.  No one’s asking any questions as to why Jenny’s hair is brown and she sounds like a 50 year old smoker.

5.  She is forced to live with her mother and go to public school and all of her designer clothes are donated to the good will in Long Island City.

If you know me, you’re aware that I love accessories!  Rosettes (obv), necklaces, bangles, hair clips, headbands, etc.  In addition to accessories I love props when I’m going out.  Couzies will always spark jealousy among your friends, fanny packs are hands free and so convenient and sunglasses/3D glasses are handy when you’re trying to hide your glazed over look at 12:00a.m.

Jennifer Behr Accessories

Anyway the obsession of this week is Jennifer Behr Accessories.  My wonderful boss (his wife) picked out an amazing Jennifer Behr rhinestone hair clip for me for Christmas and I wear it at least once a week.   Pictured above is a headband I’m looking at for Q2 purchase!

Check her out!

Stuff Rich People Like

Yeah I came across this site when I was googling “rich people ski gear” looking for a sweet snowflake sweater.  I never found the sweater I was looking for but I came across this site.  I don’t think anyone posts anymore, but there are definitely a few things missing.

Things rich people like in the winter:

1.  Wool sweaters.  I mean I was looking for one just the other day for an upcoming ski trip.  Not only do I have to keep warm, I have to look the part!  Barbour jackets are a must as well, but not for skiing. Keep up!

2.  Patagonia EVERYTHING.  And do not think of mixing brands like North Face or Arcteryx or Mountain Hardwear.  You need to stick to one and own it.

3.  Updating Facebook status to “Can’t wait for a weekend of fresh pow”

4.  Frye boots of every style.  Make sure you tuck in your skinny jeans and wear it with an overpriced flannel that your boyfriend/husband probably hates.

5.  An expensive bag that you have no problem lugging to the bar/work/ski slope and make sure you ruin it and treat it like shit so there is no way you can use it next season.  Rich people don’t need to recycle, they can just give the bag to their poor friends and tell them its all the rage and then its kind of like charity.

6.  Getting a pedicure in the winter even though no one will see your toes.  It is a phenomenon but mani/pedis are still in the necessity column.

7. Thule ski racks.  No matter  what you’re driving it will look a lot more bougey with a ski rack.  Write that down.  Even the Jetto would look rich with one of those things, plus it’s foreign so I’ve got that going for me.

Who needs a tan when you can get sweet wind burn on the slopes!