Right Up My Ali

I spent the better portion of this work day browsing other women’s blog who have much more interesting lives than mine.  I’m actually not positive their lives are more “interesting” but their certainly more “pinteresting”.  I’ve been so unispired and I can’t decide if it’s because I look at other blogs and think to myself, ‘well that’s more captivating than anything I’ll come up with’.

I’m going to put some more time into this “lifestyle” blog this year.  I’m not sure what’s going to come of it, but I’ll tell you this much, I will try to be as genuine and original as possible.

Oh yeah, and I will be exploring a new design as well.  It’s like moving the furniture around in your room – it just feels better for some reason.

I spent my Friday night with a good friend battling cancer.  We ate cookies, drank wine and of course watched Newsies.  Who knew it was a favorite of both of ours!  In between musical numbers (we were singing along)  we talked about life and how it can really blow.  He had just posted on his blog writing not of how strong he felt or how hopeful he was – but  of how he was starting to lose faith.  Not only a few months ago he had posted “Cancer can take so much from anyone but it can only take hope if you let it”.  The same enthusiasm was not reflected in this post.

When I went over to his house, I just wanted to put him in a box and make everything better but what we found was that being normal was the best medicine for how he felt.  I haven’t been myself lately and feeling or acting “normal” has been difficult.  I will never forget his words “I just want normal 27 year old problems.”  I often have the same sentiment and simply replied – “no shit man, life can really suck.”

Today he was told that this last round of chemo was not effective as they found another tumor.  No amount of laughter and chocolate chip cookies can make up for the feeling he has at this moment.  He’s not going to stop fighting of course, but it just feels like another blow to his hope.  What I have learned is that we all have our own fights – sometimes it just sucks when we are paired with unworthy opponents.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at stars.” Oscar Wilde

Thanksgiving proved to be a great success!  I spent great quality time with my family and friends and even braved my 10 year high school reunion.  As I clenched my Stella and smiled wide at all of the young adults I graduated WHS with I looked around and felt so proud to be a part of such a successful group.  Rather than experiencing the feeling of being upstaged by intelligence and accomplishment, I was impressed and excited to hear that my close friend from childhood is now a pediatrician living in Nashville with her husband.  But jobs and husbands were hardly the topics of conversation at all.  What I realized is that our jobs and marital status is not what makes us adults.  We all shared memories of the past, funny stories about our holidays and just caught up.

All of these people that threw their caps in the air with me in 2001 have all had very different yet similar travels over the past decade and here we were all together laughing and sharing because although our heartaches, long nights at work, tears, joys and obstacles are different – in the end, aren’t they really just the same?

This moment I was dreading turned out to be a perfect time of reflection and retrospection.  I came back to Baltimore feeling refreshed and excited for the next 10 years of what life decides to sling at me with full force – whatever that may be.

The Head and the Heart – Amazing

When I read Thought Catalog I almost daily think “couldn’t have said it better myself”.  I would love to write like that every day but obviously I don’t have enough readership and the people that do read my blog would read and be worried.  I’m fine, but I feel like lately I’m the person that responds to “how are you?” with “O.K”, “fine”, “can’t complain”, “alright” etc.  I used to be the person that responded with “somewhere between great and wonderful”.  What I need to realize is that the person asking me how I’m doing doesn’t care how I’m doing.  It’s just simple arbitrary small talk.  I wish I could write about how I love listening to melancholy music while zoning out at my computer.  How I love staring off into space in general.  How I miss laughing until my stomach hurts, now my stomach just always hurts.  How I love pinterest because I am connecting with people that love posting things that inspire them but I don’t actually have to connect with them personally.  How I love going for hikes and getting lost thinking about survival in the woods and if I could hack it.  I probably could at some point, but as of late I feel as though I might give up.  How I want things to be brighter, even though the sun barely comes out anymore.

Time heals.

Time sneaks by you.

There is never enough of it.

Time can be your best friend but feels like your worst enemy.

Time can be the best accessory.

Time is on your side.

Time ripens.

Time teaches us patience.

Time humbles.

In the end there is no time for fighting or fussing my friend.

Today I’m thankful for my two legs.  Made a decision to run a half in March and I’m pumped to be pounding the pavement on the reg again.  One foot in front of the other with my eye on the prize…whatever that may be.

I’ve always had vivid dreams and last night was no exception.  I was on an island somewhere and the sky started to get dark.  People were scattering like the world was going to end (a common fear of mine) and I had no idea where to hide or what to do.  As I look to the darkening sky I notice twisters start to form.  There had to be about 15 of them all coming straight towards me.  I didn’ know what to do  - the twister took my jacket, then my shoes and I had nowhere to go.  I woke up happy to be safe in my bed but it definitely makes me hesitant to fall asleep tonight.  When I looked up what dreams about tornadoes meant – the outlook is pretty bleak.  I wish there was some sort of dream forum where I could find out who else has these types of dreams and what it could possibly mean.  I think what I’m most afraid of is the fact that I kind of do know what it means and it makes complete sense.

It’s not all in your head but most of it is.  What is it you ask? It is whatever nags at you constantly. It’s what you cannot shake no matter how hard you try.  This is because you’re not trying hard enough.  If you’re a rational human being, you can condition yourself to do just about anything.  This should be the case with things that leave a pit in your stomach.  Rationalization only lasts so long.  You feel empowered and great then all it takes is a few hours by yourself, a rainy day, a rough day at work, and you’re back to feeling that same punched in the gut feeling.

I liken this to the difference between walking and running up hardwood stairs.  Walking up stairs would be a day when you’re doing fine, cruising along pretty even keel.  You’re not in a rush so you take your time with each step.  You don’t realize it but you’re approaching each step with caution in order to get to the next step until you get to the top.  Running upstairs is quite different.  You’re trying to escape something, a feeling you no longer want to be exposed to and you’re not careful.  In fact you trip multiple times.  You bang your shins over and over, stub your toe and curse as you claw your way to the top.  You’re not even looking at the end goal you just know you want to be there – irrational self.  You’re not unscathed, but you also don’t let yourself fall all the way down the stairs because your momentum is moving forward.  You’re fine, it’s not all that bad.  You have some bruises on your legs but that’s alright because winter is approaching and you wear pants and tights all the time.  You feel a little foolish but no one saw you.  You experience this all on your own.  You will get to the top eventually and everything will be O.K.

You won’t fall down the stairs because you’re a rational human being after all just not rational as often and as much as you’d prefer. You know that most of what you cannot let go of will be gone eventually and three months from now you’ll look back and wonder why it was so hard to climb those stairs?  They’re aren’t even that steep.

I’m not sure if “nervous” is the correct word, but it will have to do.  Over the years I’ve developed even more idiosyncrasies than I thought possible.  They certainly ebb and flow and are not consistent at all so I’m not even sure if they would even be diagnosed as habits.  I’m not proud of them, but I do not have any intention of quelling them any time soon.

1.  I desperately,  frantically, anxiously check my phone.  This has been in place since I started texting in 2005.  When I had a razor, I would hit the side button to see if an envelope would show up on the screen, in the days of my BlackBerry I would touch any button to make sure I didn’t have a notification on the top of my screen and now with my Droid, I not-so-casually tap the top right power button to check time, texts, emails, etc.  Thing is, I have notifications set up.  My phone vibrates and makes a small beeping noise when ANY communication is being sent through.  Knowing this, I continue to check as if maybe my hyper-sensitive senses didn’t pick up on the text I just received.  There’s also a light on my Droid that blinks if by chance I’ve missed the notification so if its not lit, it means there is no message yet I continue to check.

2. Check my watch.  Same deal here.  I’m looking at my watch that currently has tick marks and I can barely tell the difference between 4pm and 5pm (ok it’s only happened half a dozen times) and I’m not even checking the time.  I know what time it is, I just checked my phone.

3. Touch my hair.  I understand all girls do this, but I have very little hair and for some reason I continue to touch, fix, adjust even though its making it much greasier and not helping the situation at all.  I need a shock collar.

4.  Bite my bottom lip.  I’ve only noticed this one recently, and I can only imagine what it looks like to a bystander.  It’s as if I’m always contemplating something but truly in my head I’m just trying to recall if I remembered to put the cap on my toothpaste.

5.  Incessantly rub my decolletage.  Before you think ew, its your collar bone/neck area.  I don’t break out in hives or anything, but for some reason if I’m super stressed I start rubbing that area as if they are about to appear at any time.  I’m anticipating an allergic reaction that is not going to happen.

For someone who prides herself on being able to interact with others, I’m highly nervous all. the. time.  I can’t explain what I’m nervous about because it wouldn’t make sense to people who are not hyper-hyper-aware of their surroundings.  If you see me in the zone, I’m completely tuning everything out in order to avoid pulling my hair out or biting through my lip.