Right Up My Ali

With Valentine’s Day creeping up, I thought it appropriate to try a dance class at the gym called “Sizzle”.  My due diligence included asking the woman at the front desk if it was cool (I should have known not to listen to her because she clearly doesn’t work out) and having my friend Erin ask the girl that looked like she was waiting for the class.  The red flag should have been when the girl told us that it was “really bizarre, the teacher is insane and it’s not that great of a work out but you should definitely try it!”

The instructor was indeed out of her mind, and we’re pretty sure she was a professional “dancer”.  We should have known what this class was all about when we were instructed to bring in a chair and a pole.

She started the class off by telling us to “unleash our inner sexy”.  I have never felt so un-sexy in my life.  I feel sexier after 45 minutes on the tread mill.   I feel sexier when I’m flossing.

Anyhow, it was an hour of this woman demanding that we “put it in his face”, “put your feet on the wall” or telling us that “I’ve had a foursome” and “feel the orgasm!” and this was all before she took her shirt off.  To say Erin and I looked like fish out of water is an understatement.  Whenever I would take my eyes off the instructor to get a glimpse of myself in the mirror I would shudder.  I would often look to Erin for reassurance just to see the same disgusted/confused look on her face.

We ended up leaving early but I couldn’t help but try out my new moves for my roommates.  Jenn told me that if I was going to try and be “sexy” I would have to stop biting my lip like I was struggling to open a jar or something.  The “feet on the wall” trick is really impractical and should  never be tried outside of a cardio-strip class and again…it is NOT sexy.

My advice this Valentine’s Day, since I’m such an expert is to “unleash your inner sexy” and make your man chicken parm, open a bottle of red, and NOT try anything out of the ordinary…especially if it involves growling.